I Have Conquered Darkness

Some days just aren’t that easy. There will be times when you wake up and life feels overcast, like the sky outside your window. Some people will try to explain away the heaviness. They’ll tell you if you just pray a little harder or believe a little stronger, you won’t have to face these moments. They may say depression is a sign of weakness, and the void you feel is the absence and yearning for God in your life.

This is for those who feel like Job, faithful even when you’re enduring trials that don’t seem fair. For the ones whose friends try to tell you these moments are like Karma, or the evidence of something lacking, when really it’s not your fault at all.

You didn’t walk into this battle. This isn’t something you chose. It is a war in which you were drafted, unexpectedly and unwillingly. Yet like a true warrior, you fight. You persevere because you know in spite of your struggle, you have a purpose. There are moments to shine, battles to be won, and times ahead to celebrate. You realize in some strange, ironic way, the pain creates a balance. A contrast that makes the good times so much brighter.

Perhaps I’m meant to live like Jacob, spending the rest of my days with a limp. Either way, I’m still walking. And sometimes… no, often times, I’m even running. Throughout the years I’ve discovered my “limp” is not a weakness. In spite of days like this, my greatest struggle has become a surprising paradox. For even when I’m weak, I possess a strength that wasn’t always there before. My struggles have carved in me wisdom, perception, compassion, and perseverance.

And I dare say I am thankful.

I used to look at moments like these and wonder if they’d ever end. Now, I’m starting to be okay with days where I’m not okay. I persevere because I know that tomorrow might be better. There will be people who don’t understand, and that’s okay.

Throughout the years I’ve learned I’m not the first person to feel alone, or to feel different from everyone else. More of us are walking with a limp these days than ever before. The trick is knowing that it can get better, and to tenaciously pursue such things. The process will probably take pushing yourself, humbleness, asking for help, and trying things we think are impossible… only to find out that impossible is just a word.

I’m rambling again, and I might as well admit I’m just talking to myself as I let my mind work through the cloud that lingers overhead today.  The words help me breathe when the heaviness starts to push down. When my thoughts start to stray and I begin to ask questions that don’t have answers. Not here and now, at least.

I push back against the weight that bears down so fiercely. I smile even against the sadness, for suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

I have persevered, and my character is far more developed because of it. I have become a creature of Hope, stubbornly proclaiming light even when the world utters nothing but darkness.

I have conquered darkness, and it will not overtake me.

4 thoughts on “I Have Conquered Darkness

  1. I’m so glad you found my blog, because I can so relate to yours! I’ve also found darkness to be as much a blessing as a curse. We see more when there is contrast.

    I like the title of this post, because it truly is a conquest. I’ve found that there is a shimmer of hope during the hard times, simply because I know that I’ll learn something from it, or that blessings will come as a result. I might not always see it until I’m on the other side, but God always has our backs, especially when we are in the fog 🙂

  2. I’m sorry that today isn’t brighter, but I’m not sorry that you’ve found your own way of perseverance. I don’t think that a life without pain would be a lucky one. I’ve improved my character because of the pain in my life—because I chose to learn how. I don’t have any doubts that you’ll ever feel inadequate to fight against your pain, but I do hope you’re never alone in fighting. There are days in college where I feel like unintelligent and a failure. The pressure of doing well, and doing well the first time, has created a cry-baby out of the strong-woman I’ve become. However, my boyfriend Eric drops everything, and holds me close in bed. He waits for me to explain why I don’t feel I’m equipped for college. His advice is simple, but true and important: That I don’t have to receive A’s on everything to prove I’ve put forward my best effort. I often times forget that we all have different strengths and talents, and that sometimes a C is the best someone can earn in a particular field of study.

    Anyway, I made this more about me than I should’ve, but I hope what I’ve shared can help but a little. Take care, Elli.

    • Thank you so much for your kind words. 🙂 Though I wasn’t at a computer when I read them, they really did make my day a little better. And I totally understand that what you mean. My boyfriend has been a wonderful support for me as well, helping me overcome fears and reminding me of just how strong of a woman I can be. It’s amazing what one person’s love and support can do.

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